I have reached a milestone. Two of my children have pass through their teenage years and have crossed the realm of adulthood, The Prodigal Son is 20 years old and The Family Genius is almost 19. And through this journey, there are 14 things that I’ve learned in raising my former teenage children.

During this time of puberty, my son TPS and my daughter TFG and I have done a lot of growing-up. Some of the things that happened were exciting and some were painful, but all are equally valuable. There were times when I felt like the father of the year and they were times when I felt like the failure of the year. But no matter how victorious and defeated I felt, I knew that I had to learn from these important lessons. While I could certainly duplicate my triumphs in parenting, I cannot afford to make the same mistakes again because I have three more children that will join me in this journey of the teenage angst.

I suppose I’m very fortunate that I will get a second chance to improve on my successes and right my mistakes. Below is a culmination of 8 years of laughter, tears, pride, anger, sadness, triumphs, failure, sleeplessness, and happiness. 

 1. I should have listened more and talked less.

I tend to talk a lot. If I spent more time listening to both TPS and TFG maybe some of the challenges that we faced together could’ve been easily resolved. With the exception of my 3 year old, all my children usually do not argue when they are being read the riot act. So when I’m ranting and raving or when I’m spouting parental wisdom, my children are either listening or tuning me out; which consequently prevents them from voicing their own perspective and in turn my own point of view is the only thing being heard.

2. Just because they are independent that doesn’t mean that they don’t need you.

Both TPS and TFG are very independent, especially TFG. I have used their independent spirit to slack off from some of my parental responsibilities. Perhaps if I was more involved with TPS’s college application process, he would’ve been more motivated to attend college right after his high school graduation. And if I was more diligent in keeping up with TFG’s concerns about her school, then I could’ve prevented her precipitous academic decline.

3. Stay up to date with teenage pop culture.

Being up to date with teenage culture has more to do with my job as an educator and not because I really want to do it. Since I’m exposed to teenage culture day in and day out, I am able to transfer this knowledge to my parenting skills. I think my children actually think I’m pretty cool for being able to understand their lingo, their music, and their life style. While it is definitely a parenting plus, being versed with teenage culture keeps me young at heart thus making it easier for me to relate to my children.

5. Raising teenage boys is different from raising teenage girls.

I cannot speak for every parent or everyone, but my experience showed me that raising teenage boys is definitely different from raising teenage girls. With The Prodigal Son I learned to be more direct and more forceful when it comes to disciplining him. While TPS didn’t really require a lot of emotional coddling, he did require a lot more guidance with regards to his options and decisions.

On the other hand, The Family Genius did not need a lot of guidance with her day to day decisions but she required more emotional understanding. With TFG, I had to be more selective with my words and actions when it comes to disciplining her.

6. No drivers license until 18.

This is one of the best decisions my wife and I have ever made. Yes, it brought a lot of inconveniences when I had to drive them all over the place, but the benefits definitely out weighed the negatives. The two extra years allowed both TFG and TPS to gain more maturity. In addition, being 18 years old, they knew that if they ever do anything foolish while driving, they were going to be treated as adults.

7. Always check their school progress.

Both TPS and TFG are excellent students. They don’t get in trouble in school and are regarded highly by their teachers. Unfortunately, these positive attributes gave me a sense of false security. I failed to recognize that even if they are top notch students, there will come a time when they get burnout or will see school as a boring chore. When boredom and burnout sat in, it was my responsibility to kick start their engine. But, I failed in this category because I expected them to be like me, someone who doesn’t need extrinsic motivation to do well. I had forgotten that my children are not a duplicate of me but are unique beings with similar qualities as me.

8. Keep them grounded.

During this age of cell phones, iPods, video game consoles, and lap tops, my wife and I have been very successful in keeping both TPS and TFG very grounded. From the early going, all the children knew that name brand clothing and cool gadgets don’t make a person especial. I’m glad that while they still love cool gadgets, they do not worship them.

9. Have high and reachable expectations.

Both TPS and TFG performed well in school because of the high and reachable expectations that my wife and I set for them. While we celebrate successes, we don’t go wild when the children bring home A’s because it’s expected of them to get A’s and if they can’t, they at least have to show that they are making the effort. Aside from performing well academically, they are also expected to conduct themselves accordingly and respectfully in school.

10. Family functions come first.

Teenagers usually yearn for independence and freedom even though they can’t really handle it. This is especially relevant when it concerns family functions conflicting with social functions (party). No matter how boring the family function is and how exciting their friend’s party is, family events come first above all else. This one doesn’t need more elaboration.

11. Give them room to breathe.

Giving TPS and TFG room to breathe and be themselves was the hardest thing to do but it was the best thing to do. As a parent, it’s very hard to let go of the reigns, but in order for my children to grow they had to have some freedom to experience life. TPS and TFG had to learn from their success and failures. I learned, albeit not easily, how to be hands off when it was necessary for me to do so.

12. Don’t take anything personal.

There were times when TPS and TFG did or said things that I took very personal because they hurt my feelings. But I learned that it’s a part of the process of growing up. I too said and did some things that hurt my parent’s feelings, but this doesn’t mean that I love them any less. It’s funny sometimes how I’ve forgotten how I was when I was their age. But the best part is that I’ve always given myself time to reflect on the things that TPS and TFG have said and done. And with this time, I’m able to recognize that when it comes to my children’s negative words and actions towards me they are never meant to be personal.

13. Treat their friends as your own children. 

I treat all of TFG and TPS’s close friends and I mean “close” friends, as my own children. Our house is the “hang out” house and our food is the “community” food. Treating their friends as my own children is a great practice for the future when they decide to marry. I cannot pick their friends for them much like I cannot pick their spouses. So the best thing to do is teach their friends our family values and the only way to do this is when I spend some time with them in our house or on family functions.

14. Be consistent

In raising children, especially teenagers, consistency is the key. Both TFG and TPS would agree that our rules and expectations at home have been consistent. The peaceful and loving home atmosphere has also been consistent. Of course, I’ve also been consistent in nagging and talking too much. And, I have been definitely consistent in never having money when they ask for some so that they can go to the movies.

The best part of my exhaustive list is that I get to do it over again. I’m currently battling with The Guy In The Middle, who is 15, and soon 11 year old Smiley Face will have her turn. And if I still have some energy left, 3 year old Sylar will get his chance to have a battle of wits with the old man. One thing for sure, during the time of guidance, confusion, and doubt, I can at least refer back to this list and remind myself that I have already gone through this and that all I have to do is take a deep breath and listen to my own advice.